I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
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Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ