If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
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Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
OKAY DAD
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.