[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
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Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders