*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
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I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Breaking news:
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
We’ve all been there…
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
live long and prosper!
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange