[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
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Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Something Saturday.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I’d hang this in my house.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.