Atheists are Popeless romantics.
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I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing