[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
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According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
LMAO.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask