excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
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They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
My plans: 2020:
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.