[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
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Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
im all 3