If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
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The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Seek kebab; not attention
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious