Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
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Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
No. He’s not coming out to play
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*