I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
You Might Also Like
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
ibopfufen
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Realize this:
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??