Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
You Might Also Like
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light