“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
You Might Also Like
This guy’s not having it 😆
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
when mom throws a party…
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.