outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
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I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
[canadians at you, canadianly]
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
May have had one breakfast too many
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.