Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
You Might Also Like
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
One of the best
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018