TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
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Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner