A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
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So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’