“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
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Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.