You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
You Might Also Like
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Seems kinda suspicious
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
This January has 47 Mondays
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law