My retirement plan is to become a cat.
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LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
no such thing as a dumb question
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
adding to the discourse
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox