I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
You Might Also Like
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.