Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
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Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
he looks great for his age
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.