your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
You Might Also Like
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Always
There’s never enough good news
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.