God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
those birds must be on payroll
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
quarantine day 3
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?