Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
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[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
This probably isn’t good
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant