Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
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“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
January has been Januweary
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Pickled cat.
the answer was staring at me all along
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower