of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
You Might Also Like
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
gentlemen, hear me out
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.