do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
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My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*