If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
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I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater