She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
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The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt