picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
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how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup