Classic German Shepherd 😂
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“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.