If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
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Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Whoa 😂
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.