Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.