Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
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Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town