When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
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You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.