Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
You Might Also Like
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
i prefer mine room temperature.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.