My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
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[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace