[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
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Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.