“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
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No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Always 🥴
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.