“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
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If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Still my favorite headline of all time:
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away