ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
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[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I have many caverns
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
This anagram machine is out of order.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD