LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
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Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
At least he brought enough for everyone
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”