i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
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If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.