Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
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I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Worst perfume name ever.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”