(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
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You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I’m having an out of money experience.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.