Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
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When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…