Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
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always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Chicken bread
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache