the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
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Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.